Humans are social beings. We’re interdependent. In my opinion, we’re more emotionally bound. We yearn for love and support. We’re capricious when to comes to forming a judgment. We find comfort in similarity. The list goes on. One common thread we see is the need to ‘feel’; feel comfort, feel love, feel sad. Our vulnerability lies within these chemicals secreted in our body.
I, like most humans out there, rely on my emotions and tend to feel a lot. Naturally, when my emotions are questioned, I get defensive. But those questions, they’re fine. Easy to handle. Everyone has a coping mechanism for such situations. I do, too.
I’ve built a wall. Stone cold. Brick after brick. I like the wall; it protects me. It protects me from myself, too. That’s how I guard my vulnerabilities. There are some questions I will never answer because that would mean that I’m letting you pass through my wall, like a ghost. However, the damage on the inside would be irreparable.
Believe me, I’m not stoic or iconoclastic. I ooze of sympathy and empathy wherever it seems fit. The kind of oozing when you bite into an eclair. But some days, I shut down. Emotions are difficult and tiresome. Especially when the environment around you demands you to be more. Be more empathetic, be more lively, be more happy. The problem is the ‘more’.
The give and take of emotions, according to me, is wafer thin. The balance has to be maintained. You can not keep giving. Similarly, you cannot keep accepting. Relationships are torn down because this balance is disturbed. And of course, it requires efforts to nurture this balance, to make it a permanent habit.
Anyway, like I keep saying, my life is nothing but a series of epiphanies, it makes sense why I want to shut down. It makes sense why people lash out in pure rage, why they go beyond themselves to love someone. This is exactly why the person you love the most, hurts you the most.
PS – I know I’ve been AWOL for a while but I’m not dead! So, yay!!